she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
