So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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