Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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