I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
