Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
