Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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