My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
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