Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
