If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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