The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
