ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
