Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
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