Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I think I sprained my soul last night
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
