My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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