I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
