Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
