Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
