if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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