you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
