omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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