Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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