If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
