Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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