Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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