i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
