Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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