Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
