Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
