guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
