When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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