there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
i think i have two assholes
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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