he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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