Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
