thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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