My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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