just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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