Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
