I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
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