i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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