I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
