How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
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