sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
