explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
