the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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