the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
