i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
