My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
