someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Randomize
