i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
