I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
my liver is dry heaving
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
