new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
