I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Randomize
