im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
